*Fatherhood

As you begin to read this today, I want to reiterate that what I am sharing is not meant to be used as an attack on single dads or single moms. Simply put, the purpose of this piece is to address the lies we believe when it comes to the value of a mom and a dad working together-whether they are together or not. And, because it is Father’s Day, I will be very direct on the importance of men in the raising of the next generation. I want to take this day and celebrate fathers, uncles, brothers, father-figures because they deserve a day too.

I am not, nor will I ever be a dad.  As much as I want to cling to the “independent, I got this mentality”, I am not independent, nor were we made to be independent people.  This has never been truer for me than when I became a mother.  As a single mom, society told me-repeatedly, you got this, you can be mama and daddy-you don’t need a daddy to be raise a child.  And I tried to believe it, because it was comforting and empowering….  Until those long nights came. Until my son’s biological father couldn’t play basketball with him, throw a football, or even answer his phone.  There were some times here and there where he was trying to be in his life, but it never lasted. I tried to facilitate a relationship, even going so far as to buying 2 of the same books to have a phone bedtime routine.  Even though I could not stand this person, I truly wanted him to have the opportunity to be a father. As an educator, I see the repercussions of parents who cannot get along well enough to co-parent, and this most often results in absent fathers. The tragic irony is that God provides a very clear warning in the book of Malachi (my son’s name) on the importance of fathers. As you read the information, please note, I named my son Malachi because I thought the name was cool. I am named after Genesis, the first book of the Old Testament, and my son can be named Malachi, the last book-so Malachi it is.  While I had read it before, I clearly didn’t really take the time to understand the warnings that came in the book.

The last passage in Malachi talks about the end times.  Paraphrased-God will be calling his people up, evil people will be burned and trampled…. But God will send Elijah ahead of this and this is what his (Elijah’s) preaching will do:

And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction. Malachi 4:6

Wow, what a way to the end Old Testament. As we have done with so many other warnings from the Bible, we have missed the mark and society is paying for it now.  We have told fathers they don’t matter; they aren’t necessary, and it shows.  As I said earlier, how often are fathers been told by their children’s mom: Well, I will be the daddy, I don’t need you.  Or how often are moms told they can be both to their kids?  That the dad isn’t necessary. Don’t get me wrong, moms, I want to be clear, that there are a lot of women out here taking care of house and home and raising amazing children.  But make no mistake-God did not design us for that.  If you are in that space, I want to acknowledge what an amazing job I know you are doing. And I want to encourage you to read on. Maybe you will find some encouragement or at least accept that it’s ok that you are tired, because you weren’t meant to be alone on this journey.

Beyond being tired moms, our children hurt when dads aren’t around.  My son’s hurt showed itself through anger, anxiety, frustration, and acting out.  It usually showed up at the worst times too-when I was overtired, anxious myself, or just plain burned out.  After a while, I had to find help.  There are many people around who were kind, offered time where they would take Malachi so I could rest.  I built a network of friends to help with pick up, drop off, emotional support; but this didn’t replace a dad. I found a family, the **Smith’s, who took it upon themselves to help too.  He would stay there once a week or one whole weekend a month-depending on schedules.  They let him in their family, and me.  They were living out what I believe we as a church need to live out.  This did not replace a dad, but it did offer consistency, more discipline, reprieve for me, and the opportunity for Malachi to see a family that is living out God’s plan. 

Behavior improved a bit, but around age 11/12, Malachi struggled more. The anger was mainly directed at me, because who else could he take it out on? I tried to keep him involved in positive activities and help him ignore the missing father piece. Then-the pandemic hit.  And honestly, I did not think we were going to survive this time in our lives. Adding social isolation, balancing working from home, schooling from home and all of the new societal rules was not working out. We could not go to the store, movies, or do any of the activities we usually used to fill the void. I did a lot of praying and crying during this time. Then, out of the blue, the man I now call my husband decided to reach out. (Since this is about fatherhood, I will spare the romantic details, but you can get some of the story in Patience or Pruning.)  

This is the part I want fathers and men in the church to hear.  You matter: your influence, voice, discipline and love matter-and this could not be more evident than in what is happening in the world around us.  I don’t even have to be specific; we see results of our society ignoring the warning in Malachi 4:6 every single day in the news when we hear about 14 year olds stealing cars and 12 year olds trying to commit suicide. However, if that warning isn’t enough, read on for a real life example of what having a full time father can do.

What I witnessed in my home after my husband came into our lives-well, I am almost insulted as the person who poured into my son for so many years on my own.  Malachi’s change was so drastic and so immediate, I still have people coming up to me saying, “wow, after JB came around, Malachi is like a different kid.”  While I am grateful for the smooth and positive transition, how is it that I poured my heart and soul into being a great mom for 12 years and within 18 months of getting a man to hold him accountable, and show him unwavering love, Malachi is a new person?  His confidence, his character, his ability to love were so drastically improved, it almost seemed unreal. Well, if we study God’s word, we see why.

Now I know not every single mom will meet a new dad for their kids, and honestly, that is not the purpose of this.  In fact, ideally our kiddos should be able to have a relationship with their fathers. The real purpose is to communicate to everyone that fathers matter, men matter, positive male influences matter.  Dads, do not let anything stop you from being a dad.  God will create a path for you to be with your children; I am not saying it will be easy.  It may be a narrow path where you have to jump over some rocks and logs, but God is waiting for you to turn your head to your children.  You don’t need to wait for Elijah to preach, be a father now. Moms, you aren’t meant to be mom and dad, so please do not believe that. I know you are taking on the world right now, and thank you for that. Both mom and dad, if you have had bad relations in the past, start with forgiveness of yourselves and each other. Seek counseling if you have to in order to create a pathway to reconciliation.

My challenge to the church:

The brokenness of our world is getting worse each day, and we were warned about this. Men, God is waiting for you to turn your head to the children who need you.  If you don’t have children, find a child to mentor.  Women, encourage the men of the church to mentor and love on children, teenagers, young adults. Church-this is what we are called to do. It is our time to show the world that we are doers of the word.

To the men reading, I pray that you have a wonderful Father’s Day. To the women reading, celebrate a father or father figure you know. Let’s all work together to raise the next generation with love, discipline and understanding.

-Rae of Faith

*This story was used in a Father's Day sermon called The Power of Father Figures given by Pastah J (Dr. Jonathon Brooks) from Lawndale Community Church on June 18, 2023. You can find the sermon here; the message starts at 1:02:15.

**Last name changed for privacy.