I Showed Up Pregnant

On a summer Sunday in 2007, I found myself in the parking lot of a church. As I sat in my car trying to get up the nerve to go inside, I couldn’t help but remember the last time I was in the exact same parking lot.

About a year before, I was in a really bad space (of course relationship related because I spent most of my life making bad choices about men). I was raised in the church, so I thought maybe if I could go to church and reconnect with God, it would get better. Going back to church has been a go-to in crisis, but it never really stuck, (that is a story for another time). Anyway, I looked up local churches and found one I thought I may like. Yet when Sunday came, I went to the church, but I was unable to get out of my car. I just sat there paralyzed watching these perfect and beautiful families get out of their perfect and beautiful cars and go into this perfect and beautiful church. I remember thinking, “I can’t go in there. Not with those people. Not with my life.” So, I left; I literally pulled out of the parking lot and left-with the intention of never coming back.

In that moment, I felt like the Woman at the Well.  Remember her? She would go to the well during the hottest time of the day to avoid seeing others because she knew they talked about her. She knew she was not living life the way she should. She had shame. When I pulled into that parking lot on that particular Sunday, I felt such an immense amount of shame, much like what I imagine she felt. I was in yet another awful relationship. Only this time, it was with a man who abused me in all sorts of ways. He cheated. He lied. He yelled. He hit. And he had me convinced I was the cause of it all.

We don’t hear much about the Woman at the Well before or after her interaction with Jesus, but I bet she went through those same things. I bet she experienced abuse and was told she deserved it. I bet she did everything she could to make those men be the loving husbands she knew they could be. But I also bet that along the way she lost herself and believed she deserved to be mistreated by men and shunned by the community. After a while, she got tired, so tired in fact, she would rather go to the well at the hottest time of the day, just to avoid further shaming.  Eventually, I imagine the shaming she heard even started to sound like her own voice. Until that one day when she met Jesus at that well and received His living water.

Now, I would love to be able have the excuse that Jesus didn’t meet me in the parking lot the first time I came, but that just isn’t true.  I am sure that he was standing outside of my car with His living water, waiting for me to open the door, except I wasn’t ready yet.  But one year later-on a sunny summer day in 2007, I found myself in the same car, same parking lot, and probably looking at the same people. This time, I was ready. While I want to say I was ready because I finally realized the error of my ways, that isn’t true.  All those times before, when I ignored Jesus trying to bring me back, I let shame consume me. I did not want the church people to see how ugly I was on the inside. But this time, it wasn’t about me. This time I sat in the lot a pregnant woman ready to beg God to let me back in. And you know what? He did.  He let me in the church; He led me to people who loved me where I was and loved me enough to help me begin discovering who I was in Jesus.

I wasn’t as familiar with Woman at the Well story at that time, but as I reflect on this time in my life, I relate to the guilt and humiliation she must have felt. How painful it is to live a life where you have to go to the well at the hottest time of day just to avoid the stares, whispers and even confrontation. I wish I could believe that once Jesus gave her His living water she lived happily ever after, but I know that is not true. I know because I felt the stares as my tummy grew; people wondering where the father was. Assuming I was married and judging or feeling sorry for me when they realized I wasn’t.

I wish I could tell you I was redeemed overnight, but that isn’t true. In fact, I don’t even think overnight redemption is possible for most of us because we all struggle with sin. Yet I thank God I got out of my car because that is a time in my spiritual journey where I can specifically pinpoint God seeking me. I can honestly say God used that part of my life for His good. Much like I imagine that moment in time to be for the Woman at the Well, where she was able to see how God chose her. I know she felt the love of Jesus and told everyone, but I also know she woke up from nightmares of her past after that day. I know this because salvation doesn’t mean you won’t deal with the trauma of sin, it just means you don’t need to live in the guilt of your sin. It means your sin no longer defines you and you have freedom in Christ at your fingertips.

By choosing to walk into the church that day, God showed me He would provide. God showed me people who loved me because God loved them first.  Satan tried to trap me with my sin, and honestly, he almost did. But God allowing this little human to be conceived served as the final motivation I needed to be back into His loving arms. God uses everything to glorify His name and to carry out His purpose. 

I pray my experience brings you encouragement. I pray that you embrace the fact that no matter your circumstances, God is here, waiting on you with open arms. And I pray that when you have the opportunity to be a light in someone’s life, you embrace that opportunity to demonstrate the love and grace God has shown you.

-Rae of Faith